My Story
In The Labs

Before the age of 6, my mother often drove me to torture-conditioning sessions. These were relatively short stays, often only an afternoon, but later they extended over weekends and school holidays. As I grew older and more travel was involved, I was covered or hidden in the vehicle. Sometimes I was transported in containers.

It is a fairly standard procedure to "soften up" a subject before torturing her. When trips to the labs required overnight stays, upon arrival and during off periods, I was placed in a number of stress inducing scenarious and locations. I was left naked in cold and isolated places, including underground bunkers, spider holes, cages, and locked barracks.  Sometimes I was prevented from sleeping with periodic electro-shock. As an adult,  for nearly 10 years, on the very cusp of falling asleep, I'd be jolted by Non-Epileptic seizures, in other words, full body flashbacks to being kept awake in the labs.

Pictured in the first image is a typical torture-conditioning lab set up. The location is a modified pediatrician’s exam room. I’m being shown a movie of a spinning swirl. On my head is brain wave monitoring equipment. Wires are attached to my genitals for electro-shock. There is an electrified Skinner box where I’d been “softened up” before the session. I’m being conditioned to associate the image of the swirl, as well as aversive pain, with accessing forbidden memories (the image in the cloud).

Early torture-conditioning involved the use of simple, developmentally appropriate symbols or words, direct associations, and aversive techniques. These included associating unwanted behavior with pain; naming of major dissociative splits and organizing them into sections using primary colors, red, blue, green, and yellow; "follow the bouncing ball" for switching in between dissociative states; and spinning for punishment and confusion. These sessions began before I was yet 4 years old. I know this because one of my trigger cues for punishment and confusion comes from the time before I was able to pronounce the letter “L”.  For details, see The Story of Twee.

Pedophiles and other sociopaths who abuse children have different tastes. Some want to see the anguish on the child’s face, some prefer the child behave as if she is enjoying it, and some enjoy forcing sexual arousal against the victim's will. It is highly advantageous for rapists if their victims are so traumatized, they dissociate, can’t remember, and so cannot tell. Part of the early work done in the labs was to condition me to perform on cue according to the wishes of the men to whom I was trafficked, and to maintain amnesia for the experience. Sexual activity involves risk however, and over the years I’ve suffered medical consequences and awoken with bits of tell tale evidence of the previous night's events.

I was almost always wired up to one device or another that measured brain activity. If one’s intent is to control the thoughts, feelings, and/or dissociative capacity of another person, bio-feedback paired with aversive torture is extremely powerful . Bio-feedback was used to prevent dissociated splits from behaving with any amount of freedom, to block my own access to operational (perp-controlled) alters and memories, and as punishment, giving me the feeling that parts of my brain were “dead”. In the drawings you’ll see the command to “make it flat”, in other words, to stop certain brain activity, else I’d be tortured.

Electro-Shock torture was the most frequently used method in conditioning sessions. I have been shocked all over my body, in numerous ways. Shock was used as immediate punishment in countless scenarios. Contacts were placed on my body and different levels of current used to effect a range of experiences, from unbearable pain to arousal.

Each torture-conditioning session had a theme or overriding narrative, depending upon the desired behavioral outcome. I was often shown movies of torture, murder, war, and medical expeirmentation. The theme was often reinforced through hypnotic suggestion, such as messages that what I was seeing on screen was actually happening to me. One goal was to ensure that dissociative splits or alters remained compliant and didn’t spontaneously take control of my body without permission.

Some alters were regulated to managing thought patterns and dissociative reponses, in other words, acting only internally with other alters, so the rationale was to convince them they either had no body or they couldn't walk or use their hands. Entire scenarios were set up where I was made to believe that one of my limbs was being amputated. I was prevented from viewing the limb except perhaps through a mirror. Electro-shock contacts were placed on a cut line around the limb, as perpetrators using bone saws and fake blood enacted a surgical theatrical performance.

An extraordinarily reliable method of causing dissociation is to put a subject in a life threatening situation. Common tactics include depriving a subject of oxygen, or other necessary bodily functions. In the labs, I survived seven intentional drownings,  crushing suffocation in an iron lung and in hyperbaric chambers, electro-shock to my diaphragm to impede breathing, and a procedure that briefly stopped my heart.

I was subjected to deprivation of all kinds, especially for softening up, such as food, water, sleep, warmth, etc. The removal of environmental stimuli, or sensory deprivation, forces conscious focus on internal thought processes and emotions. Multiple torture-conditioning sessions included time in sensory deprivation tanks, where I was subjected to psychic driving, bio-feedback training, and punishment. Inside the tank, as physical sensation fades away, the pain of sudden electro-shock is immeasurably increased. This is how they punished resistance in my alter system.

Other survivors of these programs, and those who work with them, report they were also used for medical experimentation. There is overlap in personnel between the human radiation experiments carried out in the mid 20th century and behavioral experimentation programs. This was acknowledged in Congressional hearings in 1995, (see the testimony of two torture-conditioning survivors and their therapist).

I was given a variety of drugs. Various medical apparatuses and techniques were used as part of torture-conditioning, anything that had a desired impact upon brain function. I was also used to test what I can only describe as life support systems, breathing apparatuses, and protective suits. I was subjected to g-force tests and simulated weightlessness (room with fans in the floor). These tests served a dual purpose as they were used to terrify me. I remember soiling my suit in the g-force accelerator, and too many times I was dropped in tanks of fluid where I went unconscious before being allowed to breathe.

Threats to keep the secrets both of the family, and of what happened in the labs were, and are to this day, a constant in my life. I was not only told, but shown, repeatedly, what happens to those who tell. I was shown bodies in morgues, presented with sawn off limbs, had my face superimposed over victims in films of murders. When I was only 4 years old, a doctor perpetrator killed a dog that looked just like my dog, saying it was my dog, and he forced me to hold the knife.

In organized crime networks, the most effective way to ensure bonds of secrecy is forced participation. I have survived a lot of torture, at times I don’t understand how I am still alive and functioning, but I can say this, there is no torture worse than being forced to harm another person or animal. It is the most soul crushing of all acts one can inflict on another human being.