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I am an artist,
and a survivor of torture and slavery

What I went through was so extreme, in order to survive, I left my body and divided my mind. I do not know what options that leaves a viewer or a witness, but your attention is very important. As extreme and incredible as my experiences may seem, there are thousands more just like me.  

My drawings and paintings visually describe the process of dissociation. If you’ve ever arrived home without noticing every turn or stop along the way, because your mind was distracted with some pressing issue or another, you’ve dissociated. Many people who experience traumatic events have difficulty remembering the details. Dissociation is a natural, protective response to overwhelming experiences. Under certain circumstances, it can result in amnesia. 

What we need to know as a culture, as human beings

Shortly after WWII, and under the pressure of the burgeoning Cold War, the US initiated massive research programs into interrogation techniques and psychological control. As Alfred W. McCoy termed it, this veritable Manhattan Project of the mind spanned several decades and required billions of dollars of tax money. Documents released during and after the Church Committee Hearings in the 1970's describe experiments exploring the mechanism of dissociation and its attending amnesia.

"Learning studies will be instituted in which the subject will be rewarded or punished for his overall performance and reinforced in various ways—by being told whether he was right, by being told what the target was, with electric shock, etc. ...

"The experimenters will be particularly interested in dissociative states, from the abaissement de niveau mental to multiple personality in so-called mediums, and an attempt will be made to induce a number of states of this kind, using hypnosis.

Memorandum, Subproject 136, August 23, 1961

Although the government claimed its research was fruitless, survivors of all ages who exhibit dissociative symptoms and recount experiences of horrific abuse, torture, and medical experimentation in military and laboratory settings continue to surface today.

I was one of an unknown number of children inducted into tax funded, medical and behavioral experimentation and operational programs. This website presents portions of my story, related artwork, and resources for those who wish to investigate further.

 

Gemma Hoskins of the Netflix documentary The Keepers and Shane Waters interview me about my connection to the unsolved murder of Sister Cathy Cesnik on the Foul Play Podcast.

Listen to "S2 Ep45: Sister Cathy, A Survivor's Account – Unveiling MKUltra, Part 1" on Spreaker.

Listen to "S2 Ep46: Sister Cathy, A Survivor's Account – Unveiling MKUltra, Part 2" on Spreaker.

WARNING:  This site contains graphic descriptions and images of violence. Survivors may wish to view it with a support person.

Closet Time, oil on canvas, 1995

The Ordinary response to atrocities is to banish them from consciousness. Certain violations of the social compact are too terrible to utter aloud: this is the meaning of the word unspeakable.

Atrocities, however, refuse to be buried. Equally as powerful as the desire to deny atrocities is the conviction that denial does not work. Folk wisdom is filled with ghosts who refuse to rest in their graves until their stories are told. Murder will out. Remembering and telling the truth about terrible events are prerequisites both for the restoration of the social order and for the healing of individual victims.

-Judith Lewis Herman, M.D.